Following on the unwanted heels of parts one and two, I expand the list as follows.
The Sigher
You'd think this is the same as The Groaner, but oh, you'd be wrong. The Groaner elicits full-on throaty growling while he urinates, but The Sigher is much more discreet. While standing before the stall, he'll let out a light sigh, just shy of a moan, and it's genuinely unnerving. Tony, the old man in my office, is a constant sigher, and I'm always worried that the next sigh I hear will be a death rattle.
The Scouter
The Scouter is a crafty public pisser, especially when it comes to the office restroom. If he's looking for a stall, and at least one is occupied, he'll bolt and continue searching for a toilet not in use. The urinals are a different matter: If there are walls between the urinals, then The Scouter will usually use one regardless of whether the others are occupied. But if there are no walls, he might deem the proposition too risky.
The Reader
Many men will take a magazine to the stall, but it's another kind of man altogether that takes reading material on a urinal trip. I've seen it done, too. This guy stood there with a Sports Illustrated in one hand while peeing with the other. I like Rick Reilly as much as the next guy, but seriously, nothing's that compelling.
The Horse Whisperer
This guy can't finish the job of urinating without making little passive-aggressive noises in an effort to get his body to stop the flow. It's not uncommon to be stanidng next to him and hear "hut hut" as he's wrapping up.
The Conference Caller
Simple: This is the guy who answers his phone while at the urinal, which we've all done, since there's something inherently satisfying about the multitasking, not to mention the minor challenge of digging your phone out of your pants without letting them fall while maintaining a constant stream and avoiding a mess. The ballsier Conference Caller will actually place calls while in the bathroom, as if the acoustics and space to think are what he really needed to motivate him to do business by phone.
[Many thanks to The Oldest Guy I Know for assistance with the last two items on the list.]
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Los Angeles, California I'm a twentysomething white male with ambitions to be a professional film critic and generally spend my days getting paid to watch movies and write about it. I try not to think too hard about how I want to build my life around talking about other people's creations and not mine. A compulsive reader and stubborn cineaste, I take an often contrary stance to my more fundamentalist peers and upbringing by celebrating the pursuit of the good, and the Good, in life, love, art and film. If you watched enough episodes of a few TV shows ("The Hungry and the Hunted," "The Cut Man Cometh," "The Body," "Waiting in the Wings," "Out of Gas," "April is the Cruelest Month," "20 Hours in America," "Colonial Day" for starters), you would understand me completely, and you'd also realize that much of my worldview and philosophical insights are heavily influenced by fictional works/programs, and many of the good things I've said in my life are just a regurgitation of someone else's imaginings. I guess I was made to be a film critic. This Month
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I Can't Believe This Is How I Spend My Time
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Re: I Can't Believe This Is How I Spend My Time
This whole series on peeing has got me thinking and trying out some new things when I step up to the plate. I've done the one hand on the hip spray thing and the no hands. I'm not really comfortable with either, frankly. I'm more of a head straight forward get it done and get out kind of guy. I have identified another catagory that I do seem to be included in: The Scratcher. This is the guy who uses the opportunity of having his junk out to scratchy hours of itchy pants and confinment. This is often accompanied by sighs and or groans but also, if it's quiet enough, scratchy sounds. You know what I'm talking about. Scratchy sounds.
Re: I Can't Believe This Is How I Spend My Time
by
mary beth
on Wed 03 May 2006 07:21 AM PDT | Profile | Permanent Link
i would be a sigher....if i was a guy....but it would be a very quiet sigh. sometimes i text message....girls can do these two things at the same time...ha :)
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