Costco was disturbingly crowded. I think that this is what every family in the area does for fun on the weekends, especially if they have children with the manners of retarded monkeys. They pile their broods into the van and head to Costco, where they can let their little demon spawn run rampant amid shelves of box wine and 3-lb. boxes of Cheese Nips. My roommate and I just wanted some toilet paper to last a year, not a carnival crowd with kids everywhere.

After we left, my roommate and I stood in the parking lot for half an hour and took turns kicking each other in the nuts to ensure our mutual infertility.