I've already written in other places about the festering boil on the face of cinema that is End of the Spear, a Christian-made and Christian-aimed story about missionaries in 1950s Ecuador. But a new meta-wrinkle has developed: Apparently fine with the clumsily handled content, some conservatives are protesting the fact that Chad Allen, the film's lead, is openly gay.

Hands down, my favorite reaction comes from one Kevin T. Bauder, who wrote on his blog (which seems to be more poorly designed than average, even for a senior citizen) that "it would probably be wrong to firebomb" the houses of the film's producers. "But what they have done is no mistake," he continued. "It is a calculated strategy." Congratulations, Mr. Bauder. You win the award for Most Likely To Replace Pat Robertson For Sheer Bats**t Insane Statements. Your prize is to be mocked by the rest of society until you die.

I think may favorite part of this whole thing is thinking back to 2001-2003, when Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings trilogy took over theaters, and Christians latched onto the story as (what else) a religious allegory. I guess no one bothered to tell them about Ian McKellen.

Dear Mr. President,

So.

I know it's been a while since I've written, and even longer since we hung out (thanks for that "fishing" trip in Wyoming, by the way, it was awesome), so I know this letter must come as something of a surprise. The last time I wrote to you, I admit, I was upset. I give, and I give, and I give, and this is what happens. I need something in return, you know? Relationships work both ways. I told myself after my last letter that I wouldn't contact you again — well, maybe a call on your birthday, but that's just the menschy thing to do no matter what — but I just couldn't help myself.

I watched your State of the Union address the other night, and was about as underwhelmed as you'd expect. What, you want points for saying "America is addicted to oil"? Welcome to 1970. You don't get a nod for honesty or credibility just for stating a fact that everyone knows. We're aware of the problem; now tell me what we're going to do about it.

And sure, I could go on about your ridiculously over-positive predictions of our future, like how we can reduce our dependence on Middle Eastern oil by 75% in 20 years, and how you failed to acknowledge the inevitable belt-tightening and compromises that significant economic changes will require. But I break our mutual silence to highlight a much more disturbing portion of your speech:

Human-animal hybrids.

Yes, to anyone reading this who may have missed the president's aimless speech a few days ago, that's a direct quote: "human-animal hybrids." The phrase is buried in your one paragraph about medical ethics (thanks for using three sentences out of an hour-plus speech on the topic; I'm sure you covered the big stuff), and I have to admit, it's even got me confused, and I'm a pretty smart guy.

Human-animal hybrids? Human-animal hybrids? Seriously? Human-animal hybrids? I don't even know where to begin.

I guess I should just come right out and say it: Thank you for finally mentioning the most important topic in medicine today. When I started at my current job last fall, I wouldn't sign up for any kind of benefits package until I was assured by several members of the human resources department that our health care provider didn't participate in human-animal hybrid experimentation. I believe that it's a grievous sin and a signpost of our nation's moral decay. Thank you, sir, for coming out against these abominations of nature.

In conclusion, sir, thanks again for pointing our country in the right direction, and using your annual forum to address the nation about our most pressing concerns.

Sincerely,

Daniel Carlson

P.S. Have you thought about keeping the human-animal hybrid technology under wraps and using it for military purposes? Personally, I can think of no better way to spread the righteous fire of freedom and democracy and apple pie and porn and baseball and automatic transmissions to the unwashed Iraqi masses than on the wings of flying monkey-men. Let me know what you think. —DC