I'm a twentysomething white male with ambitions to be a professional film critic and generally spend my days getting paid to watch movies and write about it. I try not to think too hard about how I want to build my life around talking about other people's creations and not mine. A compulsive reader and stubborn cineaste, I take an often contrary stance to my more fundamentalist peers and upbringing by celebrating the pursuit of the good, and the Good, in life, love, art and film. If you watched enough episodes of a few TV shows ("The Hungry and the Hunted," "The Cut Man Cometh," "The Body," "Waiting in the Wings," "Out of Gas," "April is the Cruelest Month," "20 Hours in America," "Colonial Day" for starters), you would understand me completely, and you'd also realize that much of my worldview and philosophical insights are heavily influenced by fictional works/programs, and many of the good things I've said in my life are just a regurgitation of someone else's imaginings. I guess I was made to be a film critic.
RS: Your show has thrived during the Bush administration. Will you miss it?
STEWART: I remember people used to say, "What are you gonna do when Clinton leaves?" And I'd say, "I'm really OK not having to make another intern blowjob joke in my life." And it'll be the same with these guys. I'd much prefer these guys to leave than to have to continue to make Lord Vader jokes about Cheney. I have great faith in institutional absurdity.
RS: But wouldn't, say, a President Obama be harder to make fun of than these guys?
STEWART: Are you kidding?
COLBERT and STEWART in unison: His dad was a goat-herder!
STEWART: I'd rather make fun of somebody who is wearing their humble beginnings on their sleeve than somebody who has created a situation where casualties are involved. So the idea that somehow it's easier now — it's not. Because right now it is a comic box lined with sadness.
Now that those God-hating homos from the Wrong Coast seem to have made in-roads into the sanctum sanctorum (sorry, Rick) of the Capitol, it's only a matter of time before the nation falls apart. Word on the street here in sunny Southern California confirms our worst fears will be realized; appearing at a local Trader Joe's, an inebriated Nancy Pelosi stood atop the express lane checkout and announced some of the forthcoming Democrat-supported measures that will be instituted across the country:
• Mandatory abortions for women upon their 18th birthday just to "get them into the swing of things."
• Snack machines in elementary schools to be replaced with condom machines.
• Osama bin Laden to be appointed Secretary of Raping White Women.
• Full apologies to and amnesty for Saddam Hussein, who will be reinstated as ruler of Iraq and also given control of the Carolinas.
• The resurrection of Hussein's sons through the use of cloning technology and stem-cell harvesting from the mentally retarded, who probably won't put up much of a fight.
• Water fountains to be replaced with really snooty-looking coffee stands.
• Forced sodomizing of public officials and citizens who speak out against gay marriage.
• Bibles to be banned; punishment for owning one to include being punched in the balls by atheists.
• Deportation of Southerners to work in Mexican sweatshops.
• French and Farsi to be instituted as dual national languages.
That's as far as she got before gorging herself on mini peanut butter cups and passing out.
We're in for dark times indeed, friends. Dark times indeed.
So I made a joke. So what? Are you really so stupid that you don't know what I meant? Are you going to be led like cattle by the cruel and arrogant asses running the country? Do you really believe I bear any kind of ill will toward our fighting sons and daughters, who are giving their lives nobly for an unjust cause?
I had my war. If nothing else, I have earned a right to speak on behalf of the thousands of dead soldiers and civilians who can no longer make their own voices heard. When I remarked that college kids today need to study or they'll end up in Iraq, I meant that education is the only guarantee for having viable career options. Do you really think I consider our troops to be stupid? You know better than that. And what's more, you agree with my comments: Not a one of you wishes for your child, your brother, your sister, your lover, to be sent to Iraq. Tell me you do, and I'll call you a liar.
This letter may come as a surprise to many of you, but I've decided that late really is better than never. It's time to sack up, as they say; to strap it on and get it going. My weakness two years ago stemmed from my desire to win at any cost, to impress you, to make you think I could become all things to all people. But I can't, and I won't. It's time for you to stop believing the lies and start thinking for yourselves. Learn from my mistakes, please. The stakes are higher than you know.
Over at Pajiba, we do our best to not only review movies and TV, but also to make you better people. Dustin's latest entry in the Guide hits it out of the park once again. I'm kinda pissed I didn't think of it, and of course I can now never do anything remotely resembling it without hating myself, but that's beside the point. You shoul all just go read it right now:
Call it derivative or just a canny throwback, I still say this is the best poster I've seen in a long while. More info about the film here and here.
In case anyone missed it, here's a round-up of Clinton's appearance on Fox News:
• The interview (part 1 and part 2)
• Jon Stewart's take:
This week's EW cover story is all about Caprica. Awesome.
Finally, someone who hates electricity as much as I do:
I was all set to write about the state of modern comedy, complete with Dane Cook references and outright hatred for Dat Phan, but damned if the TV Whore didn't beat me to the punch with a great column. He even likes Patton Oswalt, which means he's got better taste than you legions of "Everybody Loves Raymond" viewers. Seriously, you should read it right now.
Can you believe we've been together for two years now? I'm proud of us, babe. (I'm not counting the time we were on a break, either, since that seemed to be more the fault of DHS than of anything we did.) Cheers, darlin'.
If I ever see one of the girls from "The Hills," I'm gonna punch her right in the mouth. Who knows, maybe they'll take a field trip to the valley to mock the middle class and our crappy cars. And I'll walk right up to them and sock her right in the jaw and tell her if she ever breeds that her offspring will be a poison unto this earth, and then I'd lean in close and whisper "a poison," and then I'd turn to one of the totally ripped guys she's with and meet his dullard's gaze and ask him if he remembers the moment he consciously siigned away creativity for a chance to bed willing, idiotic blondes. It will likely be a pretty educational afternoon.
Oh, poor broke Screech.
Another awesome piece from Colbert. Additionally, this Congressman reminds me of dozens of people I knew at college.
Over at Pajiba, we've been having ourselves a bit of a night. In what could be considered a sick joke but is really just more a gigantic headache, we've been temporarily shut down by the Department of Homeland Security. Yes, you read that correctly.
But all is not lost, constant readers, for while Dustin and the army of dwarves he employs work steadily through the next few days to restore to working order the greatness you've come to know and love from our little corner of the interwebs, you can bide your time by checking out Seth's take on the "Veronica Mars" season finale, which I think should go without saying was balls-out amazing. Seriously, if you're not watching this show, you're not watching the best teen-girl-solves-mysteries-while-dealing-with-class-issues-and-heartbreak show on TV. Some of you might think it's a little odd for a college grad well into his 20s to be wrapped up in a show like this one, but to you naysayers I say simply: Eat me. The first season's on DVD, with the just-wrapped second year hitting shelves in August. If you buy it, you just might become a better person.
I didn't think it was possible, but I now love Stephen Colbert even more. He spoke at the White House Correspondents' Association dinner over the weekend, and unleashed a fierce barrage of jokes aimed at the Bush administration, delivered in the character of the blowhard newsman Colbert portrays four nights a week. Colbert stood less than ten feet from the leader of the free world and didn't hold back. He's got balls of titanium. Radioactive titanium. With spikes. He told truth to power. Some of Colbert's quotes from the evening:
On the topic of aircraft carrier landings and New Orleans visits: "No matter what happens to America, she will always rebound with the most powerfully staged photo ops in the world."
On the topic of the White House: "Everybody [in the press] asks for personnel changes, so the White House has personnel changes. And then you write, 'Oh, they're just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.' First of all, that is a terrible metaphor. This administration is not sinking, this administration is soaring. If anything, they are rearranging deck chairs on the Hindenburg."
It becomes clear early on that some of the people in the audience are plainly shocked at the roast Colbert is putting on, which is pretty stupid; what did you expect from a guy who hosts a show on Comedy Central that lampoons the president and conservative media? Anyway, the video's well worth watching.
[UPDATE: Some interesting coverage on how various news outlets covered Colbert's performance, or failed to do so.]
There's plenty to be ashamed of when it comes to the American South. Texas isn't exactly a picnic most times, either, but I always make it clear to people that Texas and the South are two different things. The accents may sound similar, but I have to believe they're miles apart; otherwise I'd just turn my back on the whole place. And ever since January 2001, people in the South have been having a pretty good time, both politically and culturally: they got one of their own into the White House, they're working on legislation to defend or enforce their often parochial religious views, and, in what must surely be a sign of the biblical apocalypse, Jeff Foxworthy is more popular than he's ever been. Thanks to the Blue Collar Comedy Tour, starring Foxworthy and fellow rednecks Bill Engvall, Ron White, and Larry the Cable Guy, the American South has been mass produced as a cultural product and sold across the country. They even landed a show, Blue Collar TV, on the WB.
Comparing Foxworthy's older routines with his newer ones reveals subtle differences. True, most of the material is as stock, stereotypical and dumb as ever (Rednecks like NASCAR! Wow!), but a closer examination, although painful to watch, shows a marked difference in the stories Foxworthy and Co. tell their audiences. A decade ago he told stories about family reunions, but now Foxworthy's stories are likely to start with, "So I took the family to Europe...," or, "So we were having our house renovated...."
Home remodeling? Trips to other continents? How is this in line with the everyman, relatable "humor" that got Foxworthy where he is today? Are the same old Wal-Mart audiences going to buy this from one of their supposed own?
You bet they are, and not just because Foxworthy is telling them to buy it. The ultimate trickle-down model of classist segregation masquerading as plainspoken, folksy charm comes from none other than the leader of the free world: George W. Bush himself.
Bush has inexplicably kept the drawling accent the rest of his family lost long ago, despite his being born and educated in New England. A lifetime of opportunity and well-documented breaks from responsibility have placed him in the ruling class of Americans, the upper echelon of wealth, but the man still won two elections trading on his homespun charm, telling the voters that "Washington bureaucrats" shouldn't have so much power, all the while aspiring to be one. (Even more amazing is how Bush managed to successfully blame many of the nation's woes on those D.C. power hogs, despite that Republicans have controlled most of Washington and the country's governorships since Bush took office.)
But Bush didn't begin really showing his true colors until the recent debacle with Cindy Sheehan. Sheehan's son Casey, a Marine, was killed in Iraq more than a year ago, and Sheehan has been picketing Bush's Crawford, Texas, ranch since Aug. 6, during the president's vacation, to try and win a brief audience with the man and ask him why we're at war, why Bush's children aren't serving if he believes in the cause, and most of all, why Casey had to die.
Her complaints aren't wholly without merit. A connection between Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden, however tenuous, has never been proven with enough force to persuade most Americans that invading Baghdad was the solution to our post-9/11 problems. And although a Marine's mother lives with the expectation that her son or daughter could die too young, Sheehan is upset that her son's death seems to be in vain. What's the real point of the fighting in Iraq? What do we as Americans and as a global community hope to gain from it? Some locals have expressed disagreement with Sheehan in a less than civilized manner, but she remains, hoping for a few minutes of the president's time.
But Bush has refused to meet with her, and most likely never will. For one, to meet with her would admit a willingness to entertain other ideas about the Global War Against Evil, or whatever it's being called these days, and Bush never deviates from his plan, right or wrong. But more importantly, Bush won't meet with Sheehan because he can't. He's above the people now, risen from their ranks to become their leader, and any pretense of connection to common men and women is just that: pretense.
He may still ride his bike and eat barbecue and enjoy roaming his ranch like the good old days, but Bush is anything but ordinary. He's the best kind of politician, one who fakes commonality so well that even his detractors start to believe him. But sorry, Cindy: he'll never tell you what you want to hear. To do so would be to break through the illusion and present himself as a man of multiple ideas and opinions, open to many different arguments, and that's something Bush doesn't do.
Sunday marked the second Justice Sunday, the sequel to April's original rally designed to remind Americans that just because you're crazy doesn't mean you can't lead a nonprofit organization and attempt to run the country. The full title for the Aug. 14 gathering was "Justice Sunday II: God Save the United States and this Honorable Court!," presumably because "Justice Sunday II: Why Do Minorities Smell Weird?" would have been a little too esoteric.
Despite the title, the rally was actually designed to foster an atmosphere of limiting the abilities of Supreme Court justices. James Dobson, Focus on the Family founder and curious embarrassment to many of the nation's less frightening Christians, said that the justices were "unelected, unaccountable and arrogant." This seems to be a case of the pot calling the kettle unstable, because many conservatives seem to embrace the judiciary only when it does what they want it to do. Indeed, the cries from the far right against "activist judges" are often untrue, but critics have latched onto the word "activist" as a comfortable way to incite fear in their conservative constituents; "activist" is scarier when it's left undefined.
Tom DeLay, House Majority Leader and voted Most Likely To Expose The Nation's Moral Decay in high school, also spoke at the gathering. DeLay spoke out against the bench in April when they declined to intervene in the case of Terri Schiavo, who was being kept alive via feeding tube. Back then, DeLay had urged the Court to be more activist and intervene, and his sudden about-face so confused the bench that Sandra Day O'Connor stepped down 3 months later just to avoid any further dealings with "that odd man from Texas." In response to the Supreme Court's nonresponse, DeLay vowed that the judges would have to "answer for their behavior."
In a true showing of their own exclusivity, Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist wasn't invited to speak at the conservative meeting because of his recent opposition to President Bush on the matter of stem cell research, a surprising show of dissent and fortitude for which Turd Blossom will surely have Frist sent to Gitmo for a "visit."
The two things make sense together: accusing the bench of activism when it's really being objective, and denying one of the right's strongest voices an invitation to the rally simply because he has a slightly different view of only one of the issues at hand. They're indicative of a larger problem, mainly the perception that because most Americans claim belief in God, that all will naturally share the same opinions on topics like gay marriage or abortion rights. The attendees at Sunday's meeting seem to be forgetting that Americans choose their faith, and prefer not to have it handed down to them from the state. One of the members of Sunday's crowd (which frequently responded to DeLay's speech with shouts of "Amen!") said that American laws "are based on the Ten Commandments," a statement that would be laughable if it weren't so frighteningly popular in parts of the country. There is no federal statute designed to punish citizens for coveting their neighbors' houses or failing to honor their parents, and to insist that federal laws should literally interpret scriptures that not all Americans believe in would be to deny those Americans the most basic of freedoms that things like Justice Sunday seem to overlook. Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness don't look the same for everyone.
7:00 a.m. Breakfast: cereal, toast, bones of the underpriveleged and innocent, bacon.
7:30 a.m. Leave for work in car powered by despair of the intelligentsia.
8:00 a.m. Buy bagel from Kenny in the lobby. Ask Kenny if he is saved. Make note of confused look on his face. Maybe stone him? Save for department meeting.
9:00 a.m. Enter office. Resume schematic design for smaller, portable pipe bomb.
10:00 a.m. Coffee.
12:00 p.m. Lunch with the guys from accounting. Shake head in the negative when asked by bum on street for change. Cross street, turn back to bum and wave $50 bill in the air. Shout, "Maybe you should work for it!" Ride euphoric wave for the afternoon.
1:30 p.m. Return to office. Make phone calls to local abortion clinic to check on "hours of operation." Also place call to local NPR station and ask them what the weather's like in Hell. Continue to ride euphoric wave begun by taunting homeless man.
3:30 p.m. Office sex with secretary.
4:00 p.m. Shower in executive break room to cleanse stench of seamy office love. Call wife while on the john to ask about dinner.
4:02 p.m. Tell wife that chicken sounds bad. Wait out silence and use guilt trip to upgrade to steak.
5:00 p.m. Fire secretary.
6:00 p.m. Steak dinner at home with family. Wash dishes afterward to make up for adultery.
8:00 p.m. Tell 8-year-old son that his haircut looks kind of gay. Ignore resulting tears.
11:00 p.m. Kiss wife gruffly before rolling over to sleep.
In an ABC-TV interview in July 2000, Dick Cheney denied participation in any oil- or other business-dealings between Halliburton and Iraq while he was CEO of the company. He admitted to deals with Libya and Iran, but stated that there were strict policies against dealing with Iraq. The Washington Post later revealed that according to UN reports, Halliburton in fact signed contracts worth $73 million with Iraq while Cheney was its CEO. According to the report, two Halliburton subsidiaries sold materials to Baghdad through French affiliates. The sales took place between the first half of 1997 and the summer of 2000. Cheney resigned from Halliburton in August of 2000.
Three weeks after the aforementioned interview, Cheney was informed that a Halliburton spokesman had publicly stated that Dresser Rand and Ingersoll Dresser Pump (the Halliburton subsidiaries) traded with Iraq. Cheney then modified his earlier response, and claimed to be unaware of these dealings. However, the firms continued trading with Iraq for more than a year while Cheney was Halliburton's CEO.
In September '03, Cheney said that since becoming vice president, "I've severed all my ties with (Halliburton), gotten rid of all my financial interest. I have no financial interest in Halliburton of any kind and haven't had, now, for over three years."
To this day he still possesses over 430,000 shares of Halliburton stock options and a deferred compensation account valued at between $500,000 and $1 million.
As Vice President, Cheney continually denies playing any direct role in the government's awarding of multibillion dollar contracts to Halliburton and its subsidiaries, despite internal Pentagon emails indicating that he has.
President Bush has been quoted as saying Cheney's "doing a heck of a good job. When I picked him I knew he was a fine business leader and a fine, experienced man."
(Sources: "Bush defends Cheney over Halliburton" CNN.com, July 17, 2002. See article at: www.cnn.com. "Cheney's Halliburton Ties Remain" CBS News, September 26, 2003. See article at: www.cbsnews.com. "Halliburton Iraq ties more than Cheney said" NewsMax Wires, Monday, June 25, 2001. See article at: www.newsmax.com.)
In the summer of 2003, the Bush administration passed a bill that added a $400-per-child tax credit to middle- and upper-income families. However, in a last-minute change to the bill, the tax break was denied to families who earn just above minimum wage.
Over 6.5 million families, and 12 million children in households earning less than $26,625 a year, did not benefit from the administration's increased tax refunds.
Senator Blanche Lincoln, the Arkansas Democrat who tried to extend the tax credit to low-income families, said: "I don't know why they would cut that out of the bill. These are the people who need it the most and who will spend it the most. These are the people who buy the blue jeans and the detergent and who will stimulate the economy with their spending."
(Sources: David Firestone, "Tax Law Omits Child Credit in Low-Income Brackets," New York Times, May 29, 2003. "Dems, GOP Spar Over Tax Cut Provision," CNN, May 30, 2003. See article at: cnn.com. cbpp.org.)
At the International AIDS Conference last week, the Bush administration announced its refusal to donate a requested $1 billion to the U.N.-sponsored Global Fund to fight the disease. The fund works with 128 countries and is currently $3.6 billion short of its 2005 budget.
U.S. spokesman Randall Tobias said that the United States already donates billions to their own AIDS relief programs. However, the United States focuses its aid only on the small number of countries (approximately 14) that support the president's abstinence-first policy. In addition, the United States' Emergency Plan for AIDS Relief only allows the use of brand-name drugs, which are usually American-made, as opposed to cheaper generic versions. Generic drugs that are allowed under the Global Fund cost as little as $150 per person per year, versus the typical $700 cost of the U.S.-approved drugs.
(Source: "U.S. Fights Criticism at AIDS Conference," The Associated Press, July 14, 2004.)
In a 2002 Defense Department report that examined the policies and execution of the war in Afghanistan, retired Army colonel Hy Rothstein concluded that the victory in Afghanistan was not a strategic long-run success.
He noted that the bombing campaign was an ineffective way to hunt down Al Qaeda operatives. Moreover, it resulted in a number of civilian deaths that could have been avoided if Special Forces had been deployed and able to use methods of unconventional warfare. Finally, Rothstein believed the Special Forces would have negotiated with anti-Taliban elements to ensure that postwar Afghanistan did not degrade into its present state of anarchy.
When Rothstein delivered his report in January 2003, the Pentagon returned it to him with the message that he had to cut it drastically and soften his conclusions. When asked for comment, the Pentagon said, "We did not support all of his conclusions."
An unidentified former senior intelligence officer said, "It wasn't like he made it up ... the reason they're petrified is that it's true, and they didn't want to see it in writing."
(Source: Seymour M. Hersh, "The Other War," The New Yorker, issue of April 12, 2004.)
While campaigning for the presidency in 2000, Bush said: "I do support a national patients' bill of rights. As a matter of fact, I brought Republicans and Democrats together to do just that in the state of Texas to get a patients' bill of rights through. We're one of the first states that said you can sue an HMO for denying you proper coverage ... I don't want the law to supersede good laws like we've got in Texas."
However, as governor, Bush vetoed the patients' bill of rights that he refers to above. Bush finally let the law pass, but he refused to sign it.
The Bush administration recently argued against this same Texas patients' bill in a Supreme Court case that challenged the strength of the law. The administration's briefing on the subject argued that allowing patients to sue their HMOs for wrongful denials of medical benefits costs the HMOs too much.
This month the court ruled in favor of the managed-care companies.
(Sources: Presidential debate, St. Louis, MO, 10/17/00. Charles Lane, "A 'Flip-Flop' on Patients' Right to Sue?" Washington Post, April 5, 2004. New York Times, 3/24/04. abcnews.go.com. Jake Tapper and Alicia Montgomery, "Patients bill alive, for now," Salon, Feb. 7, 2001.)
The Bush-Cheney campaign is encouraging churchgoers to use their congregations to rally support for Bush's re-election. However, as the IRS reminded Republican and Democratic national committees in a recent letter, tax-exempt charitable groups "are prohibited from directly or indirectly participating or intervening in any political campaign on behalf of, or in opposition to, any candidate for public office."
If religious organizations participate in partisan political campaigning, they will lose their tax-exempt status.
The Bush-Cheney campaign distributed a document to religious volunteers that indirectly involves congregations, rather than individual congregants, in the effort to re-elect Bush. Some instructions include: "talk to your Church's seniors or 20-30 something group about Bush/Cheney '04," and "recruit 5 more people in your church to volunteer for the Bush Cheney campaign."
(Source: Alan, Cooperman, "Churchgoers Get Direction From Bush Campaign," The Washington Post, 7/1/04)
As Governor of Texas, George Bush supported a 1995 Texas law that allowed private citizens to carry concealed firearms with a permit, breaking a century long-ban on such conduct in Texas.
In 1997, Bush signed an amendment to the law that legalized the possession of concealed weapons in "a church, synagogue, or other established place of religious worship." If a religious institution wants to prohibit the possession of concealed weapons on their property, they are responsible for posting a sign that says so. However, under the Bush amendment there is no legal penalty for the first time that someone disregards such a posting.
(Source: Adam Clymer, "Bush Law allows Concealed Guns in Churches," New York Times, Sept. 18, 1999. John Wildermuth, "Bush, Gore Trade Fire Over Gun Control," San Francisco Chronicle, October 10, 2000)
Remembering speechlessly we seek the great forgotten language, the lost lane-end into heaven, a stone, a leaf, an unfound door. Where? When?
O lost, and by the wind grieved, ghost, come back again. — Look Homeward, Angel, Thomas Wolfe
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives.
— John Stuart Mill
We are all under the same mental calamity; we have all forgotten our names. We have all forgotten what we really are. All that we call common sense and rationality and practicality and positivism only means that for certain dead levels of our life we forget that we have forgotten. All that we call spirit and art and ecstasy only means that for one awful instant we remember that we forget.
— G.K. Chesterton
We were, for the briefest of moments, something greater than the sum of our uncertain parts; we were youth itself, in all its painful glory and sharp joy.
— August Van Zorn
Los Angeles, give me some of you! Los Angeles come to me the way I came to you, my feet over your streets, you pretty town I loved you so much, you sad flower in the sand, you pretty town.
— Ask the Dust, John Fante
